Updated: Mar 20
I am just learning to get in tune, not only to myself but also to Spirit. As we all do, I have a large team, both earthly and not, that are here with me to help me align myself to become the highest and best version of myself. Something we all should be trying to achieve, but all in Divine time. This category will focus on realizations and clarity that I receive while in meditations and in going full Hermit/Hierophant mode as I stroll on this journey of learning the Universe by learning myself. I will start small, with something I have thought since my childhood.
Why should we fear the Devil? If God is all powerful and all knowing, then isn't the Devil simply playing a part for God's divine plan? In the understanding of soul contracts and the fact that in the 5D, we all sign up to play certain roles in our relationships to activate ourselves at precisely the right time, then why is is so hard to consider that God and the Devil have a similar arrangement? If Lucifer is a fallen angel, once in the good graces of Source, then is it so wrong to think that Satan actually plays a vital role in getting us to realize which path will lead us to our highest and best version or ourselves? They say that we can only truly learn and grow through suffering. We all know that the Devil brings out the worst in all of us simply because we allow him to, we let it in, that fear--whether it be in the form of despair, abuse, or the most extreme atrocious acts humans could commit against one another. Imagine what kind of love it takes to volunteer to play the most vile, despicable roles that one could play, to show humanity's worst.
I hated my sexual abuser for a long time. I wanted to torture and murder him. I would fantasize about it. I used to think that he made me unworthy. He made me dirty and damaged, not even worth the air I breathed. There was one particularly low point where I was considering ending it all with a tiny and very sharp blade slicing right through my tender skin. Something stopped me, thank you my angels. I heard you, though I didn't know it. For the longest time, I thought I had laid my suffering at Calvary's cross and was OK letting God and karma take care of that asshole. He died of cancer a few years ago.
What I came to realize, is the role he played in my life gave me an experience that I grew from.
I was blissfully unaware at the time, but I was but a mustard seed, slowly germinating. I needed the incubation period of my first 34 years to live in this mental prison, wearing a mask and wearing it well-not many know or knew of the true nature of the things I have gone through. I don't personally feel my experiences are as bad as some people's, but they are mine. I accept them for what they are, and I accept that man, for what he was and what he is. I have finally reached a place of gratitude to say thank you for teaching me the lessons that he did. I actually am worthy, and yes, I was manipulated, but I now know what that looks like. I will forever be able to recognize that from here on out. Some really disgusting back door assassin shit went on in my early adolescence, just after my father died. I am no longer mad that my dad wasn't there to kick that guy's ass (I promise you, he would have. My dad was a Green Beret. HOOAH!).
I accept that the experience happened in a divine plan to help become the person I am meant to be, and that there were no mistakes in it. As hard as it is to think that God would actually allow something like that to proceed, especially with children, the Universe knows exactly what we need in order to grow. Now, in NO WAY do I condone child sex trafficking, pornography, or anything really that exploits children. It's one of my triggers, actually. I'm simply saying that for those that survive any type of sexual trauma, you are meant to get to a place where it does not own you, or define you. It does not make you less valuable or dirty in anyway. You are a beautiful soul, and the Universe knew you would be strong enough to come out of it on the other side. You are one of the most important souls in the entire whole of existence and you need to know and believe that you are. Don't stay in the past, letting that low vibration anchor you to a belief that in no way serves you. See that you can break those chains, and blossom into that beautiful person that you are.
I love each and every one of you, and you should know that the Universe and Source loves you too. Those pivotal experiences in our lives, we chose, at a higher level, before we incarnated, to learn the precise lessons that we planned in order to get ourselves and Mother Earth to the place where she needs to be. I don't know what the future holds, and I have seen the past, with that I know that all that matters is NOW. What are you going to do with it? Looks backwards? Fantasize about something you don't know will happen? OR, maybe, just maybe, be glad in this moment, it's the only one you have. It's your choice where you stay.
Love and light
April 29, 2020
Just some quick musings for today.
I do a lot of deep thinking on my way to work in the mornings. I live an hour away from work, and I often had to leave before 6 in the morning to make it to work on time. I love the time of day when dawn is breaking. It makes me feel closer to God than any other time, bar none. The saying that it's always darkest before the dawn rings so true to me every time I hear or think of it. A psychic once reminded me that light can grow and pierce even the darkest of places, that fear puts your light out but courage brings it back up. The one thing that I believe we all know to be true is that the only thing that is constant is change. Now, that makes so much more sense to me than it ever has.
Try to wrap your mind around the likely possibility that time really doesn't exist or matter. It is a fluid thing that man basically invented as a mental mind fuck to keep us in a constant state of anxiety. What time is it? I don't have time for that? Shit! I'm running 10 minutes late and now my whole day is ruined!! Be there at this time or you will miss said thing. What if I run out of time?
As I have come to realize, the only moment that matters is now. The past is the past but once was now, the future is not yet here, but with every passing second we are in the now. When that light bulb pierces the darkness of my worried mind, it reminds me of a light house. A light house guides ships to help steer them away from the dangers of running aground. The imagery of a ship in storming skies and treacherous waves always resonates with me profoundly.
I guess my point is this, don't be afraid to take the time to treasure the moment of now. I literally went to bed as a little girl, saying good night to my father, and woke up the next morning for him to having been killed pulling out of our driveway before daybreak one morning. Life is precious. I was 11 years old, and woke up with a start exactly at 7:40am, (numerologically, that reduces down to 11, anyone else see an 11:11 synchronicity
Live in this moment. Take the time to think about how precious each moment is and honor it. Love yourself, your family and friends. Love your enemies too. They truly aren't your enemy anyway, they are being an asshole to show you something about yourself, so I hope you are paying attention. We fill our lives with stuff that takes up our time and distracts us. Don't let yourself be distracted.
I leave you this request: Go and illuminate yourself. Pierce that darkness in your troubled minds and hearts with your gratitude for life and the abundance that surrounds you. We are given everything we need in order to live life, and I promise you, none of it is purchased in a storefront or from Amazon. Except for maybe my chakra bracelet, amazon prime is amazing. If we could only receive enlightenment at amazon prime standards, the world would be a much better state a hell of a lot faster.
Go find that love and light! I wish you the very best today!!
May 6, 2020
Sewing Stiches, Weaving Webs
Anyone afraid of spiders? Get creeped out by how they can just pop out of no where and then run like the dickens making your skin crawl? Yeah, me too. One morning, it was in February 2020, I had been back at work for a couple of months from my medical leave and things at work were testy, at best. I was still adjusting to catching up, and I was sitting in a seminar, waiting for my turn to present my portion of the program. As I sat and waited, I couldn't shake this image in my mind's eye of the black widow spider. I began to ponder why it is that we fear this spider so. Well, obviously, they can be deadly because of how venomous they are. My grandmother was bitten by one back on the tobacco farm when she slid her hand into her glove. My grandfather tied his belt around her arm, to slow the venom. She recovered fully.
A black widow, as with all spiders and creatures of the earth, are not necessarily inherently evil. They are creatures, existing in a plane where they must survive. They have to eat, procreate, and defend themselves. How can we blame the black widow for simply being a black widow? We automatically try to kill the black widow and eliminate the threat. Now don't get me wrong, if it comes down to it and I had to make a choice between my kid and the spider-I think we know what choice I would make as a parent. My point remains though, that is this not also a form of bias? We are judging the fish for his ability to climb the tree, which just isn't fair. To live an awakened life, one must detach from the biases and belief systems of the old world paradigms that we were conditioned to accept as truth. To meet everything in a loving way, we must accept that person, that thing, that scary creature for what it is and where it may be in its own soul's evolution.
I am coming into the sight of seeing the aura of everything and everyone around me. Since we all consist of matter, technically cosmic in origin, why would it be so difficult to see that everything single thing on this planet consists of energy as well? The coffee table I'm using right now, even? It is made of wood, that was once alive. Thank you, tree for the help you are providing me. The atoms are vibrating in such a way that the coffee table is formed, and that in itself is energy in one of it's most primal forms. In order to accept the black widow as she is, one must realize that she is a creature that God did create. She is not evil incarnate, but developed a very effective means for defense. The forces of evil and shadow find her costume a convenient way to mask what they are truly thus defiling her divinity. And we have accepted it. Without question.
A lot, if not all of us, are in some sort of toxic relationship of some kind. Whether it is your partner, a drug, or your religious morning ritual of running 30 miles every morning. Anything that is not evenly balanced and practiced without moderation and mindfulness becomes toxic. My spouse and I have been in a toxic situation. I feel like I'm constantly under pressure to perform sexually. Some of this stems from what I have perceived as an [un]healthy appetite for physical love, and some stems from my own sexual traumas. What my ongoing awakening is teaching me is that although I may see this behavioral cycle as something very negative, I had to come to terms with accepting my spouse for where he is, not where I want him to be.
The struggle that we were/are having is, at least in part, coming from me. Since I can only do the work within me, and not the work he must do (because that isn't my job), I must learn to accept that he is not where I am energetically or consciously. And I choose to still love him for that. I mean I show him love, I show him forgiveness, compassion and grace. Another part of this is communicating with him when I am ready to offer myself to him in a loving way and when I am not. This is a daily task that we work on, and I'm often met with indignation and contempt, but when narcissists don't get what they want, they don't like it. That's OK too. I am learning my discernment and am working on distinguishing what energies are mine, and which energies do not belong to me. Like I said, it isn't my job to work on what belongs to others, although I have wanted to jump and fix everyone's issues, especially those closest to me. At the ignoring of my own baggage, I wanted to unpack everyone else's. I slowly realized that my own ego and mind was weaving that web, but that led me to stray from him another man. What tangled web we weave.
I think I have had some codependency as well. I felt damaged for so long, tainted and undeserving of a healthy relationship dynamic that I found myself attracting broken people. I also craved acceptance. The thought that an antique collector must have when they find a beautiful piece that they desire to clean up and make pristine again. I must have thought that all these olympian narcissists, dressed up in tin foil posing as knights in shining armor were going to stitch me up and make me whole again. I am thankful that I have found the needle and thread for myself, finally.
One of my tasks today is to finish sewing up my couch. I have three small kids, a small zoo of house pets and a couch that despite my best efforts, has taken a beating. I have some repairs to make. And while I sew, I think of the spider. Weaving a web, yes to snare an unsuspecting meal, but its intent is survival, not murder and malice. We all have to work on stitching ourselves up while we weave an intricate web of relationships that, if we are paying attention, will show us something about ourselves. Think of the strength of a spider's silk. Like the relationship, it is delicate and can be destroyed with some blunt object, maybe a harsh judgement that we regret saying to our partner; but, if one takes the time to weave a web of pure and loving intent with each relationship, to think before one speaks, and accept the emotion you feel then choose to love yourself anyway and let it go, that spider's silk could stop a 747 mid-flight. This is because what we do when we nurture our relationships in a healthy, positive and symbiotic way, we thicken that strand of silk. With that thickness, our relationship with that person and ourselves becomes more aligned with God's will and the universal divine plan that is for all of us. At the foundation of this plan is to love. Love all things and each other, yet, love yourself as well. For the only way that we can show love to another is when we show love to ourself first.
Go out into the world. Find something that frightens you, or someone you can not stand. Think about why you really seem to hate it, then turn that around and show it love. I promise you, it will open your heart and mind, and begin to stitch together your perception in an whole new web of understanding.
Love and light to all.
May 22, 2020
Gemini New Moon: Letting go of my attachment to desire
Desire. What is it? Is it simply wanting something? Possibly something a little more that just wanting something you don't have. Doesn't that make you feel like shit? Constantly focusing on what you don't have. Desire can bring about a lot of abundance though, can't it? You desire to better yourself, and think the way to achieving that betterment is through accolades and awards, degrees and promotions. Large paychecks and even larger homes. That shiny car sure looks nice sitting in the drive way.
I listened to a YouTube video earlier yesterday that focused on the subject of desire. They spoke of how in order to manifest and master the law of attraction, we must let go of our attachment to desire. Begin to remind yourself that in the very fact that you were born, you are the manifestation of a desire that the Universe had in wanting to experience life as you. There is no one like you, and the Source of all creation learns what it is like to feel through each and every living creature in this whole pane of existence, and each experience that creature has. This got me thinking about how true this concept must be.
Living consciously implies that we recognize certain truths about vibrations, energies, soul contracts, and a higher level of knowing how we are interconnected and influence everything on this plane. this means that the Universe aligns relationships and souls orchestrate these contracts in such a manner to create each and every one of us. How special is that? Suddenly, an entire new meaning to what it means for each of us to stand empowered in our own uniqueness.
It was so important that each of us be born that there had to be a specific itinerary for fate to follow so that you could become you. This realization should imbue within us such a feeling of love. You are important. You are special. There is no one, in this life or any other, past or future, that would have or will incarnate as you. That is something really amazing.
Whenever you are feeling down, just remember that you were created by design, through divine interventions that meant to bring you into this world for sole purpose of experiencing existence as you do. So go do you and take delight in it. I know Source is.
Love and light!
July 7, 2020
Spirit does its best work in the dark
It has been increasingly hard to find the time for myself lately. Being several weeks since I last really posted anything, there has been a whirlwind of circumstances, chores, scores of "Mommy!, I need..." or "Wife, can you...." I find myself inundated with the weight of the day-to-day crushing me. There has been an unique and unexpected solace in the lockdowns and quarantines that have been enacted across our state. The forced break that all of us have had to take, has halted a lot of the hustle of everyday life. The quietude allows me to think of how fortunate me and my family have been thus far to not have lost anyone very close to us to this pandemic, and to not have suffered as much as some. May those who have endured trauma during all this find peace and healing in each way that they need it most now and every day.
With all the blessings and divine insight I have received up to this point, I have found myself as of late feeling stifled and blocked. As if the wonderfully exhilarating rollercoaster of this awakening had also come to a grinding halt. The illumination and light bulb moments that were in such abundance suddenly disappeared in the darkness. That darkness has been a deafening silence. I keep waiting for a sign, all the while they haven't really stopped, I just stopped trusting them. I let fear and self doubt creep in as my friends began asking for readings and guidance, and I continue on my own journey.
I began questioning my own abilities, allowing myself to be distracted out of the fear of what if I didn't read something accurately or what if I didn't clear my own energies well enough. Before I knew it, I couldn't think, I couldn't concentrate and then I realize I am no longer grounded. I know that I have an amazing intuition, and most of my life, people have always mentioned just how comfortable and better they feel in my presence. For some of us, our gift of simply being ourselves is enough to provide the healing energy someone needs in a specific moment in time. I see now that I let my focus shift slightly from doing something for myself toward doing this for others. This is not bad, per se, but it can lead to blurred lines and boundaries that are barely defined at all.
One of the hardest lessons I am learning is drawing boundaries. Another is speaking my truth, and yet another is making sure to always find a way to love myself. When we ignore the lesson that we recognize the universe is trying to teach us, without us truly seeing it, the universe begins slapping us in the face until the moment that it literally hits us so hard that the sting sticks with you for the remainder of your physical life. Like that one time my mom slapped me for slamming the door on her recently operated on foot. Although unintentional on my part, as I didn't realize her foot was there, the pain it caused her for my lack of attention in my fiery teenage state led her to burst through that door and remind me just who was in charge. And much like my mother, the Universe has a way to remind us when we need to pay attention. Things become difficult, communications breakdown, and generally sit in not-so-pleasant energies occasionally.
I feel as if I have been bricked up inside a closet, no light to ease my mind. Then I realize, not everything needs light to grow. There are many forms of life that grow and thrive in the absence of light. Mushrooms, molds and other fungi grow in the absence of light. It doesn't mean that these lifeforms are inherently bad; on the contrary I see them as a testament to how resilient life is. The physical representation of Spirit and how spirit works in the dark. The dark night, that is. We all have periods where we suffer, feel blocked or maybe even self destructive. How is it that we find the the time to remove that which plagues us so that we can move forward and live in our present moment? I mean, what is it that these life forms do in the dark? They transform or decompose one form of matter into another, thus perpetuating the infinite cycle of life and holding true to one of the principle laws of thermodynamics. Energy can not be created nor destroyed, only transformed.
I think it is mean that we get blocked sometimes, to remind us that we shouldn't always be in such a hurry to figure everything out. Stop trying to run before we can crawl. I know that I am meant for something very beautiful and magnificent, like each of us is, but I have been in a hurry to get there. I have been rushing to make sure I aligned myself and meditated just right, said the right prayer, and tried to remain the most loving when I should have just be grateful and accepting of the time and process. Saying thank you to the Universe as it continues to place me right where I need to be in order to grow. The greatest thing about life, and the hardest thing to accept, is that it is ever-changing, always evolving.
I have now realized that what I have perceived to be blocks, are not really blocks at all, but lessons in living in the moment. Being present and quieting our consciousness to hear the lesson in that moment, because there is always a lesson. These darker times are not meant to keep me or us down, by any means. These times deconstruct our preconceived notions, self-limiting beliefs, and self doubt and reform those energies into what becomes our true essence. Our most authentic self. While a dark and damp basement may not be the most welcoming environment for most, it is the perfect nursery for certain forms of life, those that are under appreciated and misunderstood, yet this serves as a most apropos illustration of the deepest recesses of our soul. Our shadow self. Those parts of us that we want to keep locked in that basement, never to be let out. If we keep it locked up for too long, things will begin to rot. If we open the door, and face ourself, we will see that all that mold is simply just the accumulation of all those lessons transforming our understanding of the world and ourselves. As we all know, you can not have the light without the dark. It's time we appreciate the dark for what it is, the perfect nursery for growing the transformation that awaits us all when we wake up from this dense slumber of 3D and see through the bullshit.
Many blessings and much love!
October 14, 2020
Don't forget to rest.
Man, it has been a while since I have really contributed to this blog. A lot of change and shifting has been and still is occurring since this summer. Most of this has been within my own soul and psyche, but the biggest external change is that I left my job. I'm still adjusting, if I'm being honest, and I left in August. It was so liberating, especially in the way that I left. I spoke my mind, and reminded my employer that they were not required for me to live my existence. My existence did not and does begin, end or revolve around the needs of someone that does not even make an effort to try and understand how their actions effect others.
Since resigning, I have tried to focus on myself, my kids, and my home. I've been cleaning, literally and spiritually. Also felt very stuck, but I know that I am right where I need to be at the exact time I need to be there. Maybe I have been concentrating so much on my enthusiasm to heal and start some sort of spiritual career that I have forgotten that the transition period is essential. The need to rest and take a load off is one of the foundations of self-care. Self-care is a term that I'm not sure I truly understand. I know that one of my biggest lessons is establishing boundaries in addition to not always putting myself on the back burner in my fervor to help those in need.
For years, I have tended to (almost deliberately) ignore my own needs, my own problems and issues to be the fixer or facilitator for everyone else. The epiphany that is revealing itself as I punch the keys to create this message is that I am in the process of forgiving myself for laying low the last few months. It has definitely been needed, and there should not be any shame in taking a long overdue breather. It seems as though we live in a society that places an immense pressure on the individual to produce results. Even though we tout a bunch of rhetoric about doing what we want, having time to ourselves, do we really truly mean it? My thought is no. We say these things to people in order to really make them believe that we give a shit about their well-being, when most of us do not. Intentions play a large role in manifesting and raising vibrations, but most people out there don't actually hold the best intentions for others. As a collective, this can not continue.
If people really had pure intentions, then we wouldn't feel guilt or shame in the amount of time it may take us to feel recharged. I'm here to tell you that is absolutely OK to take whatever time you need. As long as you aren't trying to avoid taking action or being part of the world. I have feared in the few months that I have taken to focus on my home life, that I was abandoning my soul's purpose or my spiritual journey. I have had to remind myself that I haven't abandoned anything. I made room in my life by clearing out one of the most stressful factors in my life by leaving my job. There was definitely a need to do so, but after finally releasing all that, I needed some time to process on the new found space I have in my soul and in my life.
The pressure I have felt to get back on that spiritual horse has been nagging at the back of my brain. I have continuously come up with different tasks that I should be doing or found myself being called to take of care of something for a member of my family. I haven't fully accepted that maybe my mission at this time is simply accept that these tasks are my spiritual work. I have felt out of sorts for so long. This has manifested in my life as the chaos I see in my uncleanliness of my house, my apparent inability to keep up with the chores, etc. The truth is that this cleaning and sorting and organizing that I have been doing the last 3 months, in between all of the home schooling and other shit I have, is rearranging my energy. I am getting myself ready for what it to come. Whatever that may be, I will be ready because I have made room for it. Cleared out, cleaned off and made ready to receive the very amazing gift that the universe has prepared for me, and all of us. When the time comes to really show how I answer the call, I will be fully rested, firmly anchoring the light and holding the space for those who are still needing it.
All of us that heightened sensitivities can sense the shift that is happening. We can all sense that there is something coming. This something, though we are not allowed to see what this is or when, we know that it will ultimately serve the entire collective'e highest and best, including Mother Earth Gaia and all the life she sustains. We just need to do our part by holding the light, and we have to rest up because we are about to flex our muscles. So, don't forget to rest, to take care of yourself in the healthiest and best ways that you can. You are due a break, as there will be plenty of work when the time comes.
Love and light, many blessings to all.