Updated: Mar 20, 2021
Before November of 2019, I would have considered myself a reasonably spiritual person, meaning I believed in God, and paranormal things, I did believe in divine timing and fate, karma, etc. etc. I casually liked astrology and tarot, but being raised in a Southern Baptist/Pentecostal household, some stuff is just a NO GO. Earlier, in September of last year, I finally resigned myself to the fact that I needed counseling, something to get my mind right because I knew what I was going through was absolutely not ok and no one should ever have to face that kind mental mind fucking. The only thing that I had gotten me through to that point, was my close circle of friends, which I am blessed to say today is bigger than it used to be or that I expected. Thank you, ladies. From the bottom of my heart.
Anyway, through this tumultuous time, one of my friends went to see a psychic. I was so inspired by the take away that my friend had, that I decided to finally take the leap and schedule an appointment for myself. I had always toyed with the notion, and secretly wished I was psychic, that I took that as a nudge to go ahead. (For sake of simplicity and lack of confusion, this friend shall be referred to as Ms. Potter moving forward, she will know why. )
I wait about two months, but my appointment time finally arrives, I'm nervous, and a little fearful of what this lady is going to tell me. I had a list of about 30 questions, and that didn't even scratch the surface of what I truly wanted to know. Due to fate, and probably divine timing, I was about a half late to my appointment, but this lady was kind, warm and welcoming. I felt right at home with her, and it was refreshing. I hadn't felt comfortable in my skin, much less my house for quite a while with everything that was going on between my husband and myself.
We began the session with some eyeopening statements, she channeled my dad, who died when I was 11. Also about 60 other dead people that all had something to say to me. I take this as a sign from the Universe that I tend to not listen well at first, so they went nuclear with their strategy in getting me to take notice. When I tell you my mind was blown, that would have been the understatement of the century. She told me things that I had intuitively speculated and known in my core, but really wanted to deny. Some of what I heard genuinely scared me, as my physical safety was apparently in jeopardy, and I basically got the confirmation I needed that my marriage was over and I needed to leave, quickly. In fact, the words, "You need to leave quickly. " were spoken, and given some of the experiences I had prior to that moment, I had no reason to disagree.
That was a Thursday, and by Sunday evening, I was deciding to pack my shit, my kids' shit, and hightail it to my mother's, but I didn't want to be impulsive. Although I was bursting at the seems to tell everyone that I just realized everything I had only hoped was real in my mind, was an actual thing, that existed and all this stuff about ghosts, spirits, God, all of it, was real; I chose to be quiet about it with my spouse.
The following Monday, 11/11/2019 (for you numerologists, it was exactly 4 days after my appointment on 11/7/2019), I drove to work and ended up in the emergency room with acute appendicitis. WTF? Are you kidding me?? I remember thinking to myself that morning, this day is going to be special since my cat, Yoda, who had been missing for a couple of weeks, miraculously showed back up as I was walking out the door. The crazy part is that I asked the psychic if my cat was ok, and she oh yeah, he will be back at some point. He did.
That day, I had my appendix removed, and I didn't return to work for a full month. I used that time to process that visit, the immense level of bullshit I felt my life had become, and to of course, focus on rest. I had been wanting a break from work. It had become a real drag. I found myself watching tarot card readings on YouTube. You know that rabbit hole Alice plummeted down? Yeah, insert that here. Now it's April, my seventh wedding anniversary is in a couple of days, and we are all under self isolation and mandate to stay home due to COVID-19.
In the months that have lead up to this point for me personally, I have heard a lot of terms thrown out at me: light worker, healer, transmuter of energy. I have taken up tarot reading and learning about crystals, and energy grids. Learning how to cleanse my house of negative energies (there a couple low levels that are messing around, but I'm no longer afraid of that stuff), and really tried to focus on healing myself because I hear this calling to truly want to be help people unpack their own baggage so they can see what I have seen. Felt what I have felt, and we can raise the vibration of Mother Earth together. The problem is that at the present moment, is that I'm a little stuck and rather impatient. So, here I am, feverishly typing away and pissing my husband off because I have yet to pay him the attention that he wants me to pay him (news flash: he knows alot of my issues stem from sexual abuse, and he has inflicted some of it himself, so I have been honest with him that I am not necessarily in that type of mood. Yet, somehow, it is always my fault that he gets angry when he doesn't get what he wants...I knew that good behavior wasn't going to last too long.)
Before this becomes too long of a read for you, I will say so long for now. Hope you enjoyed this read, and let's see what my fingers will crank out next time.
Love and Light to all!
May 4, 2020
Hello raging locomotive!
Have you ever felt like you were riding on a roller coaster at full speed without any restraints what so ever? We must have all heard this analogy before. With the last few months of my life having transformed into what has seemed like a steam engine, full speed ahead, without a conductor, I see the sparks, and the occasional tipping over and off the track as the centrifugal force almost is too great to handle. I have had many dreams of trains. Let's deep dive into this for a bit.
Trains indicate movement, usually forward and fast. I have been on the train, seeing the train pass by, running after the train and then jumping on to it. It's almost like the universe is screaming at me to make sure I get on board, otherwise, I'll be lamenting that I missed the damn train for the remainder of my existence. I remember being in the energy that I felt like nothing would ever change in my world. I felt as if I would always be trapped in this hellish torment, masquerading as a marriage and family, constantly feeling the sting of all this emotional hurt that I had pent up inside. Let's not forget that I basically had created a situation in my affair that was proverbially throwing myself on the train tracks and waiting for my inevitable fate. The train being my husband when he discovered his own validation and confirmation that, at least in his view, I was the lying, cheating bastard that his suspicions and intuitions had been alerting him to for some time.
I think that I really wanted to get caught. I tried for years to explain how I was struggling. I had become lost. I had noticed that the things I knew I loved doing: singing, dancing, writing, hiking...so many things. I couldn't even seem to muster the energy in even thinking about doing any of them. The spark was gone. That's when I knew something was really fundamentally wrong. I really noticed it when I yelled at my toddler son over spilt milk. Quite literally, I was crying over spilt milk and I totally lost it on him, a beautifully sweet , angelic little boy who otherwise was so innocent in his perception of the world that he couldn't have possibly understood why on that particular day, that milk was the straw that broke this camel's back. In the efforts of attempting to communicate this to my partner, all he really heard is how he wasn't doing his "job." I mean, being a stay at home parent is a thankless and income-LESS career, and my husband went from being alone, off the deep end for five years, to a family of five, plus pets, and absolutely no time to himself in about 2 years time. The empath in me reminds me that someone living that life everyday, no wonder all they want is pure, unadulterated adult time, please include the kink and lube. And to hear the nagging wife come in from 8 hours of an equally unfulfilling grind of a different kind, bitching about being unhappy doesn't necessarily put anyone in a receptive and loving mode to be emotionally supportive.
With this recipe, we come to the point where I wake up from the fog and realize that I'm on the train. January 16, 2019. Just so happened to be the anniversary of the death of one my close friends from grade school, and the birthday of my daughter's biological father. At 4am that morning, my husband decided to let me know that that the jig was up. Cue the darkest part of night for my soul. I kept searching for the light at the end of the tunnel, to no avail. I instead grabbed the break on my train only for it to break off in my hand. OH. SHIT.
Someone who could not recognize the karma that manifests from sleeping with another person's spouse was in some serious denial about the repercussions of their actions. I was there. Literally. My lover was married as was I. In truth, I pursued this person. I thought that if I could only have had one second with that person, it would make my life better. Although I had a great amount of love for this person, I no longer am willing to take what I can get. Energetically speaking, we should all strive to do things the right way or not at all, and I choose to lead by example. I know I'm still a work in progress, but we all are if we were truly honest about it.
Draw your boundaries and no longer let someone else drive your train. I had been allowing my husband to convince me that I owed him, but I had truly wronged him. The intent behind my motivations although not vindictive in my view, were exactly that through his lens. My motivations were geared towards coping, looking for a way out and to try and regain that feeling of being valued. I desperately wanted to get him to see this, but in his hurt there was no way he could. One day I realized that my desire to make he see things from my perspective was just my lack of acceptance that he was not the enemy and I was ultimately responsible for my own actions in the situation. I had to honor and recognize that he can only be responsible for his.
In closing, I will say that things have calmed and gotten quieter, not without moments of strife but I will say that someone's best behavior is the only thing showing right now. I have come to a place where I have let go of it, regardless of what is the truth of it. Whatever he does, he thinks, he feels, he is on his own train. I uncoupled us in a way, and he must confront his own awakenings, as they are his and it is not my job to drive his train. On a soul level, we are all on our own journey, our own track, and as that psychic told me, "There is no such thing as being on the wrong path. The Universe autocorrects itself." With that realization, my faith is restored in that even if I feel I made a poor decision, it wasn't really wrong in the end. Anything that has happened, was meant to in the exact way that it did. Everything that needs to happen, will happen to promote my growth. It's kind of like when we go through things that appear to us to be the "wrong thing," it's actually like spiritual miracle grow, that molds and shapes us to where we need to be. I know now that I'm right on track, and as a co-creator of my own reality, I am the conductor, spirit and God have built my train in the lessons I'm learning and I'm leaving a trail of wonderful human construction in my wake. I love you all, and take care!
Love and light (at the end of the tunnel)
I took this video at 7:05am, 3/12/2020. I originally took it for one of my sons, but I noticed that there is a representation of 3-3-3-4 and it spurred on the locomotive post. I am so thankful to be experiencing my life as I am now, and wish only to help each and every one of you to enjoy the ride you are on as well. <3
May 18, 2020
During my medical leave, I really got into watching a lot of YouTube videos, mainly tarot readings videos and videos describing the symptoms of awakening. I started asking a lot of questions in my mind about how the Universe works in general. I started thinking about readers, and how they all describe how they tap into the energies that they are reading at any give anytime. Most of the videos all start out in some fashion how it may resonate or not, if it doesn't it wasn't for you, etc, etc. etc....
I began to think about this energy and the movement of the planets. Your birth chart, which is supposed to explain who you are in a nice neat little report, given the date, location and exact time that you were born. It was becoming quite evident that I watched all these videos, mainly for my sun, rising, moon and venus signs, and my spouse's sun sign, the readers were all pulling very similar cards, they were giving similar readings. Very similar readings, even though there were obvious differences and nuances. Some of them really hit the nail dead on. I had the realization that either I was pulling things together in my head out of some sort of disillusionment or the Universe was really speaking to me.
I was watching videos almost back to back, all day long, every day, for a time in December. Now, that it's May, I am realizing that those readings are actually coming to pass in some ways. I mean in general readings one can not possibly take every detail of it as belonging to them only, so some discernment is required. I see now that with any given moment, with each passing second, with the fact that our entire universe is in constant motion, on the physical level, that the energy is in a constant state of flux. This is why we have to consciously work on ourselves daily, to maintain our vibration.
For those of us with spiritual gifts, which is really all of us, this is why we must practice devotion. Not religiously, but still devotion. Staying in the place of gratitude, for every breath, every opportunity, every lesson, every message, in all its forms. It is so clear that these readers, the ones that are truly nurturing their gifts, loving themselves and not trying swindle anyone, that the energies they tap into would all be similar, but also different since the position of the planets, the time of day, to location of where one may be, are all different at any given time. I feel almost like this is a given, and quite obvious, but apparently not since I had such a revelation at realizing it.
Even while I listen to one of my favorite tarot readers, Ali's Tarot, I realize that these readings help me not only to learn how these cards are read, for a given reading, but that these energies are something very real, and tangible. As I learn the ways of the Universe, I learn that each reading has elements of truth, certainty and then possibility. The snapshot of possibility is only something that could be, not what is. And this, my friends, helped me to reach the truth that we are each a co-creator of our own reality. God, Source, the Universe will carry along on this journey, but it is definitely our job to take the reigns, answer the call, and bring yourself into the reality that you know brings you to your highest and best.
Love and Light my beautiful friends.
June 16, 2020
Hello. I can really see that when I don't write regularly, I begin to feel stifled. Smothered and crushed under the pressure of what the facets of my life. Sometimes, throughout my married life, with all the kids and bustle of things, it has proven to be very hard to find time to love myself, to care for myself. I eventually found that I even had trouble finding the words to speak what I truly felt as my truth. Even as I sit here and type these thoughts onto the this digital canvas, I am squished to the edge of my bed, with my husband and both my sons edged in between us. I have been so busy, doing other things-when all I could think about is this. Painting a picture with the words that come up. I know now that everything that has happened thus far in my life, has happened in a perfect sequence of events that has led me to here. Which is amazing, but it still has left me wondering.
The purpose of this awakening and the timing of it all. For me personally, November 11, 2019 will forever be like a second birthday to me. The rollercoaster ride that I have been ever since has been so revealing and rewarding for me. I am no linger afraid of the other side. The idea of ghosts and goblins don't really scare me anymore, I just them all as a vibration that may feed off one's fear. Something that is need of a deep healing and acceptance of the light that resides in all of us.
I guess with all the other things going in the nation and world recently, it has gotten me thinking about the purpose behind the timing of my awakening. I have always had this nagging experience of whenever I got around to doing something, it seems like it would all of sudden blow up in someway, either by becoming the latest trend or some major event would catapult me into some sort of forward motion. It's kind of like when you get to the drive through, and it's completely devoid of any cars, so you think to yourself, awesome-I don't have to wait, then as your ordering, you glance up in your rearview and see that about 4 or 5 cars pull in behind you. You almost feel like you brought the business.
The timing of my awakening, and anyone else's for the matter, is precisely at the right moment for them.